It's weird how some aspects of your life can be totally awesome and kickin', but at the cost of other ones. Happiness is strange like that, it's never evenly weighted or distributed.

I've been thinking a lot lately and I need to change a lot of stuff, plan ahead, save money and most importantly reevaluate myself and what I'm doing with my life. This summer has been weird, I've been going nowhere in life but mentally I've begun to understand a lot of different things. However, one thing I can't figure out is how to make anything in my livejournal make sense.

Anyhow, the road to self-improvement is going to be a long and difficult one. Sometimes I think I'd be better off being a bald dumbfuck with no direction in life, but then I remember it's better to be healthy and have a sense of purpose than to be some sick miserable fuck in a hospital bed with no hope or direction.

I think for once I'm beginning to understand what being sick actually did to me. It made me realize that everything is impermanent and that simply putting things off won't get them done. It also made me bitter, depressed and self-hateful for a very long time. It gave me a negative self-image and most of all, it made me terrified to show weakness. I was afraid that if I didn't appear normal and healthy at all times, my parents and whoever else would be too concerned and try to take the burden away from me. I never wanted anyone else to have to feel what I was feeling or to suffer any of it. The more I think about it, I was so terrified of being looked at as weak and just not having any control over my life that I tried my hardest to look as though everything was ALWAYS under control.

The results... ever since I recovered I felt a newfound sense of pride, maturity and strength, but at the same time went through a process of second-guessing everything... myself, my friends, others' opinion of me, the whole nine yards. This didn't happen at first, but by the end of last spectacular summer, I was so tired of myself and my friends that I didn't know what the fuck to do. The first semester of last year was weird, because I'd alternate between being happy (with my friends and family) and depressed (about myself, my job and the direction of my life). At that point, I kinda turned to bad sources for comfort and certainly didn't reach it. It didn't help that at that point, for some reason I felt like I couldn't trust anyone, and grew increasingly uncomfortable and paranoid about my friends. In fact, there are still some traces of that right now. A lot of the time I don't feel like I can trust anyone's intentions anymore.

Now... I feel like I've walked through a lot of shit and am very fortunate to have a good, easy life, though I get the distinct feeling I'm missing a lot and will probably never find out just what it is. Sorry to take up so much space with an incoherent and random rant, but it felt good to write.